Top ten things clerks hate about the holidays

It’s the most wonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeeaaaaar. With the kids jingle bellin- and everyone tell you be of good cheeeee- ah screw it. This time of year isn’t as jolly as the songs that celebrate it. To make matters worse as of right now, the economy is in the toilet. Wait. The economy isn’t just in the toilet, its in the septic tank and festering- waiting for some rid-x to eat it up. Yes folks this might be the worst holiday shopping season since the 60’s. Thanks, Wall Street (cough-cough) assholes!

But for as hard as it might be on the shopper its not in any way easier on the retailers. Business is way down, which means we’re not adding more staff and definitely not slashing prices to the bone like we used to do on every black Friday. It’s a damned shame too, this used to be such a deal breaker of a time a year ago. It was also a great time to get new staffers and take bets to see how long each new employee would last before the holiday hustle and bustle drove them to never work in retail ever again.

In a time like this, I never have to imagine how stressful it is, I just seem to see it. Every customer at my counter feels they have to tell me just how much they’re cutting back this year- and its depressing. VERY. After 7 years with my company I have developed a good enough reputation to where my hours are never cut, and I work hard enough to cover the jobs of 3 people. But am I willing to do the jobs of 4? Time will tell. But I can tell you what will make my job a lot simpler and make x-mas go by with out a hitch…
Never having to put up with the following:

Number 10: The start of all the hell

In September our deliveries start off with the last of what will be Halloween. We see the orange labeled boxes with the pumpkins on them pile out of the truck. Then the shit rolls in behind it. A dozen cases of red and green dinnerware with Santa on the box. Then case after case of fake plastic pine trees. Then just as your about to breath a sigh of relief, those FUCKING LIGHTS, whole pallets of them. We haven’t even gotten the Batman costumes on the hangers yet, and we get a rude greeting of Christmas merch that we can’t even put out and who‘s gonna buy it in SEPTEMBER? Its as if they’re telling us, “fuck you! Its starting a month earlier this year!” I’m predicting that it’ll all start earlier and earlier to a point that we’ll be packing up all the Xmas shit on New Years and the following truck will just send us more a week later.

Number 9: That asshole with the bell.

No one likes the spirit of giving more than I do. But if your going to ask people to give to the Salvation army, then you should have to work for it just like I do. I’m not putting my milk money into a red can that is being guarded by some douche with a bell. What is the deal with that bell anyways? You trying to annoy us into giving you our money? Here’s a thought: can you play a guitar? Harmonica? Sing? Dance? Show us your tits? I know this isn’t really a concern for us clerks but the customers only have to hear the bell for a few minutes , we have to hear it all damned day.

Number 8: Holiday MuZak

Every store has a speaker system of music to set the mood. After a shade under a decade I can now name almost every Steely Dan or Neil Diamond song ever made. But come November the folks that bring us the very best of Brian Adams and Celine Dion, throw out their usual repertoire of easy listening crap and throw in what they think is ‘holiday cheer’.

I will one day make a list of the worst Christmas music ever recorded, but if you walk into a shop, you’ll pretty much hear it all. Oh lord Jesus Christ , why did thee allow EVERY artist no matter their lack of talent to make shitter and shitter Christmas music every single year. Even Michael Jordan has more control over what he endorses, and I’m pretty sure he’s doing a tampon commercial right now. Nat King Cole and Sinatra’s Christmas music is- in my humble opinion the best stuff ever. But since every recording artist has to make their own rockin’, hip hoppy, bluesy, jazzy, swinging, countrified or just plain obnoxious renditions of the same songs over and over and over and over its become a Nazi experiment on just how bad music can get. Just stick with Frank and the gang it’s the best that the holidays can get.

Number 7: complaining while we’re setting up for the holidays

“Your putting up those fake Christmas trees already?!!!” says the idiot that just waked in my store.

“Yes sir, it is November.” says I.

“It seems so soon!”

“Yeah it does.” (at this point I want the spaz to shut up, buy something and stop watching me put up this tree).

“Doesn’t it all seem like too much and too early?”

Fast forward to Christmas eve- the busiest shopping day ever-and I see that same son of a bitch waiting in a 50 yard line in my store buying shit that he could have been buying while he was harassing me a month ago while I was trying to set up a tree. Good job, dumbass.

Number 6: The colors red and green

This is the only time of year that I wish the God that I develop colorblindness. I wonder how the hell I’m able to know when to stop or go as I’m driving seeing that I’ve been displaying, stocking and selling red and green shit all night. Those two colors induce nausea after a month.

Number 5: The extras

We get extra everything. Extra baking goods to sell, extra food items, extra dish sets, extra merchandise, extra everything. All on top of the things we sell every day- and that all might be great for customers- its total hell for us. YOU try selling off cranberry sauce during valentines day. Hey, its RED isn’t it? Just like everything else on v-day. You could cut those little slices into hearts, or wear them on your nipples. Kinky. The absolute worst part about extras is having to pack up all the shit that we didn’t sell, items that are not food, and then try to sell them the next year. Nothing says happy holidays in 2008 like a gift from 2004.

Number 4: being open on Christmas day.

Lots of stores keep their doors open on the day when most of the world is relaxing with friends and family. C'mon, we’re not a hospital.

Number 3: Bonuses (and losing them)

Every year whatever company you work for decides instead of giving you a cool check that says “Thanks for a great year of service”, you might get a coffee mug, a Frisbee, a gift card (to that very store you work for), or a sport bottle with your company’s name printed on it. I won’t even bother asking just how much those wastes of plastics cost, but it can’t be much for whatever billion dollar machine you belong . To make matters worse, this year you might not be getting squat. Thanks economy.

Number 2: Tearing down all the holiday cheer.

All those boughs of holly, all the fancy lights, all those displays- all of them have to come down on late December in order to set up the next hallmark holiday, Valentines Day (what did you think xmas was about Jesus? PUH!LEEESE!). Along with the aforementioned packing of all the xmas that didn’t sell also comes the selling off of all the xmas that HAS to go, like candy and food. Nothing says ghetto dollar store like seeing shopping carts of all that extra shit lined up and waiting for customers to sift through and ask “This is broken- do you have any more?”

The customers demands like that is what brings us to the next and last entry.

Number 1: Fucking customers.

There is two kinds of customers. Good, regular, civil and fair customers. The kind that ask politely, smile, pay, and if we don’t have what they’re looking for they’ll take a rain check or we’ll let them know next time that they’re in that its arrived- since they’ve been so cool with us. We love your business and you love us back. I’ll bend over backwards because I know that you know that I’m only human.

Then there is a ‘Fucking customer‘. They come in and you ask me rudely where something is, and even after I’ve shown you- you still can’t find it. I’ll find it, then they’ll ask me if it’s the one that’s covered on thier coupon. I’ll tell you “Yes it is” and they’ll say, “Ok but do you have it in extra large?” I’ll look on the shelf and say “Yeah here it is.” Then they’ll ask me “But do you have it in THIS color?” and I’ll have to go into the stock room and look. Its all gone in the size and color, meaning we‘re out of stock. I come back to the floor, I’ll tell him or her “I’m sorry we’re fresh out.”

That’s when the fucking customer throws his or her hands in the air and says “Well what good are you!?” and walks away and towards the door grumbling “I’ll never come in here ever again.” That’s when I head back into the stockroom and try to find a nice box or something to put my fist through because I’m not allowed to punch that FUCKING CUSTOMER!!

I see an increase in these people around the holiday time. I work hard, I don’t like anyone leaving empty handed because I like making money and I appreciate your business. But when you come into my establishment with the worst attitude DON’T EXPECT THE BEST SERVICE. We clerks are people too, people that hate failure and bitchy people. If I came to your house for dinner and bitched that you didn’t have what I was hungry for, you’d want me to leave before you had to throw me through your window. So when you act like a total ass and threaten to ‘Never shop here again’ we really don’t go home and cry into our pillows because for every asshole, like the ‘fucking customer’ there are at least 2 that actually understand that I cannot be everything to everyone.

There it is, the vulgar and brutally honest truth of what that cashier behind the counter at any retail outlet won’t tell you. We love our jobs (well, I do anyways), but its not all wine and roses. The holidays are never easy and neither is this years. So please don’t make our jobs any harder, and don’t be that ‘fucking customer’.